Financial and dating considerations during the divorce

Two questions generally come up after a couple has separated but during the time a divorce is pending:

1) Can I date?
2) Can I buy things?

Question one, dating:

The usual legal answer to both questions is yes, but you'll want to check with your lawyer to be sure, because there are a lot of exceptions.

In terms of dating, once you've separated, the marriage is over, and judges don't care if you move on with your life. Once you've split up and aren't living together with your spouse, it's usually not considered adultery to start dating (or have sex with) someone new. Judges don't want you to be trapped in your marriage until the divorce is final. No one wants your life to stagnate while your await your final hearing date.

Be careful about at least two things though: don't have someone spend the night with you when the children are also spending the night or if the children know that someone is spending the night. This could affect your custody case, since someone can say your moral character isn't what it should be. Keep that kind of thing secret from the kids. It's something they just don't need to know about. Also, don't move in with a new boyfriend or girlfriend if alimony is a possibility or you could destroy your alimony case. Living with friends is okay. Living with people you are dating could cause your alimony to be reduced or eliminated.

Question two, financials:

Financially, you are generally free to do as you please after you separate, especially if the divorce has been filed and is pending, but there are a couple of things to consider here as well:

a) Don't sell or get rid of anything that could be considered "marital property" (things you acquired during the marriage or things that are in both spouses' names), like a car, jewelry, a 401(k), etc. You need a judge's permission to sell or encumber (take a loan out on) marital property.

b) Even if you do acquire property after you file for divorce and during the separation, the judge may still declare the property to be "marital," and force you to give half or some other portion of it to your spouse. The law says that a judge can consider property to be "marital" (and therefore divide it up) if it was acquired 1) before the separation date, 2) before the date the divorce was filed, 3) before the trial date, or 4) before any date the judge darn well pleases.

These last two dates should worry you. In other words, if you buy a new car or add money to your IRA, even a year or two after you've moved out and filed for divorce, you still might have to sell it and give your spouse half.

Don't be too worried, though. Most judges agree that the date of separation or the date the divorce was filed is the date on which you can safely buy new stuff and claim it as completely "nonmarital." I can't even remember the last time I saw a judge rule any differently. But, as I said, check with your lawyer first. That's what we're here for.

Custody evaluation? Here's how to screw it up.

More and more, Florida judges are relying on custody evaluations and social investigations to determine who should get custody of the kids.

Both of these methods (and some other ones like Guardians as Litem that aren't used as much any more) involve using professionals to evaluate the parents psychologically, speak with witnesses, talk to the kids, look at school records, that sort of thing. Judge rely on these tools pretty heavily in making custody decisions. In fact, some judges even read the conclusions of the social investigation reports and--bam!--case closed. Winner determined. Even those judges who don't just base their decisions solely on the reports are very heavily influenced by them.

So you think the conclusions in these reports are important to your custody case? Oh, yeah. Majorly.

Wanna lose? Do this. Completely destroy the other parent when you talk to the investigator. Rant and rave about how bad a parent that person is. Talk about how no child should ever be allowed on the same planet as them. Bring up every tiny thing you can think of about how awful a parent the other person is.

Wanna win? Try this. "My spouse (or ex-girlfriend or whatever) is a good parent. I'm proud of the way he/she always makes sure the homework is done. He/she gets along great with the kids, and they love him/her very much. There are some things that concern me, though, and I'd like to share them with you, because I think you'll agree that, even though he/she is overall an excellent parent, the kids are better off having more time with me. These are my concerns..."

Now I'm not saying to downplay child abuse or molestation or something horrific. You know that you'll have to disclose those things. You also know that you'll win those types of cases. I'm only saying that, in the typical case, ripping the other parent apart is only going to make you look bad, not the other parent. Ripping the other person apart is the quickest way to lose.