The myth of the soldier with primary custody

I usually work out of our main office in Tampa, which is very near a major military base. Moreover, our Tampa office is near an area of town where a lot of military servicemembers live. Because of the office location, we represent a lot of soldiers and sailors.

So I was pretty happy last week when the media showed some attention on the fact that deployed servicemembers often lose primary custody. It's an important issue that deserves attention. I was glad to see it discussed.

But it's too bad that everyone missed the point.

The media circulated a series of anecdotes about how deployed soldiers will -- almost automatically -- lose primary custody of their children to their ex-spouses not only during deployment but after they return to the U.S. Divorce judges are reluctant to return children to servicemembers after they've returned from deployment. "Why should the children be bounced around?" judges will ask, "and what if the servicemember is deployed again?" You have to admit, the judges do have a point.

But it's not as much of a problem as you might think.

It's not as much of a problem because the servicemember will probably never get primary custody in the first place. The questions the judge will ask about bouncing the children around and about future deployments are asked long before a servicemember ever gets a chance at primary custody. How is a member of the armed forces supposed to respond when the judge asks, "Can you promise me you won't get deployed? Can you promise me I won't have to change the custody arrangement in a few months? How can you guarantee a stable residence for the children from now on? Will the children have to move? Will they have to change schools when you get deployed?" There are no good answers to these questions, and most of the servicemembers we represent quietly accept the fact that they will never have primary custody so long as they remain in the service and for so long as they may be deployed.

Yet another cost of war.