Don't use your lawyer for visitation agreements while the divorce is pending

Well, today is Friday, which means I'll get a flurry of faxes from other lawyers about how their client hasn't been able to work out visitation for this weekend with my client, and now the opposing lawyers are demanding this, that, and the other thing or else they'll rain down horrible and numerous contempt motions on my client if I don't respond by Friday at 5 p.m. Good luck with that.

The faxes usually come in at around two or three in the afternoon. The funny thing is, we're usually closed on Friday afternoons, so I don't even see the faxes until Monday morning.

I really get a kick out of that. It's not that I don't want people to see their children. Just the opposite, I want people to see their children. I just can't believe that everyone waits until Friday to do something about it.

First of all, did you not see the weekend coming? Did you think there wouldn't be a weekend this week? Didn't you realize that every single week ends in a weekend? Did Tuesday somehow go by and you were thinking, "I wonder if there will be a weekend this week?"

Worse still, did your lawyer forget there was a weekend this week? Didn't your lawyer realize that Friday afternoon is too late to do anything about visitation?

But while all this is funny to me, it's really not funny at all to the kids who don't get to see their other parent that weekend. Especially if the kids expected to see the other parent that weekend, then suddenly find out it won't happen. In fact, to the kids, it may be downright confusing, disappointing, maybe even devastating. More and more, studies are showing that divorce proceedings don't hurt kids emotionally, they destroy kids emotionally.


So here's the advice of the day: don't call your lawyer on Friday and say, "You've got to do something! He/she is not answering my calls" or "He/she is not responding to my emails" or "He/she is not agreeing to the time I want."

Here's a better plan: you know that weekends and holidays are coming. Bite the bullet and sit down with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse and work all this out well in advance. You may not be satisfied with the solution for now, but it's better than panicking on Friday. And it's a whole lot better than letting the kids down.

Worse still, if you have to go before the judge to get visitation, the judge will ask, "What did you do to get visitation?" If your answer is, "Well I had my lawyer send out a fax," you'll only demonstrate that you have no ability to co-parent, no ability to put the kids first. If you say, "I tried to call, I tried to email, I sat down with my spouse but my spouse won't agree, I did everything I possibly could, and finally, with all options exhausted, I called my lawyer," you will look to the judge as if you are, by far, the best parent. You'll look like the one who should have the kids. Don't call your lawyer, call your spouse.

I know what you think: well, Brent, if you'd respond to those faxes, maybe you'd be helping the kids. I know, I used to think that way. believe, I used to stay very late on Fridays working out visitation for people who should have worked it out for themselves days or weeks earlier. Now I realize that if I work it out for them this time, I'll have to work it out next time. And next time. And next time. My job, I realized long ago, is to be lawyer, not parent.

Yes, it's Friday and I hear the fax machine. Stacks of paper will be coming in soon from lawyers doing no more than proving that their clients have no ability to co-parent. Can't wait to use that against them at the custody hearing.

Fridays are busy days for my fax machine, but, hey, you ought to see the day before Thanksgiving!